Understanding
by Laura Schiller
Summary: Inspired by "Timeless". Tessa loves to fix broken things, but she can't fix Chakotay.


Understanding

By Laura Schiller

Based on Star Trek: Voyager

Copyright: Paramount

(Author's Note: Even though the Memory Alpha wiki lists Tessa as human, I chose to make her Betazoid: because she resembles Deanna Troi, because she needed more character depth, and because, considering the dour, taciturn behavior of Chakotay in this episode (understandably enough), anyone but a mind reader would have had real trouble getting through to him. The concept of _RaBeem_ is borrowed from Peter David's novel _Imzadi_).

Tessa Omond loves nothing more than to repair what has been broken, from EPS relays to people. It is both her greatest strength and her greatest weakness. Standing with Chakotay on the frozen bridge of the _USS Voyager_, with Captain Kathryn Janeway's body behind them and her staticky last words hanging in the air, she finally concedes defeat. She's been trying and failing to fix Chakotay for thirteen years. It's time to stop.

She was an ensign when they met, a junior engineer on the deep space vessel assigned to search for _Voyager_, with Chakotay as Captain and Harry as First Officer. That ship was named _Janeway _of all things, and the irony was not lost on any of them; it sometimes feels as if that name has shadowed Tessa all her adult life.

She remembers him then, fascinating as seen through a twenty-three-year-old's eyes, with his gray-streaked hair, his tattoo and his stories. He avoided her at first (_"I prefer not to have my mind read, if that's okay"_), but when she became the only one besides Harry who didn't need any explanations for his mood swings, and knew without asking when not to disturb him, he began to seek her out instead.

The first time she snapped back at him, he laughed – in his silent way, with nothing but the wrinkles of his eyes. _"You're not most people's idea of a Betazoid, are you?"_

_"You mean sweet, serene and endlessly tolerant? Sorry to disappoint you."_

_"That's okay. I'm a Native American ex-Maquis in Starfleet. Here's to defying expectations."_

She told him about her father, whose name she didn't know; her mother, who had died on an away mission, leaving the infant Tessa in the care of a human stepfather who, for all his good intentions, had never known what to do with a child who argued with his thoughts and interrogated his lovers. They haven't been on speaking terms for years.

_"I went to Betazed once, on a student exchange. It's a gorgeous planet, all lush and flowery, but … not really mine, you know? And it's hard to pretend you're on your homeworld when you can't even recognize half the things on a restaurant menu, especially if you _sense_ everybody wondering why. I wouldn't say you're lucky, Chakotay, far from it … but you _had _a heritage, once. You had somewhere to belong."_

He squeezed her hand then and smiled again, sardonically this time. _"However, needless to say, I lost both Dorvan and _Voyager_ in a rather dramatic fashion. Hard to tell which is worse, isn't it? … You know, you remind me of B'Elanna. Did you choose engineering because the machines don't think at you?"_

_"Yes, actually … although some people's minds _are_ pretty fascinating. Like a tangle of wires just itching to be sorted out. I could've become a counselor, if I wasn't afraid of going crazy myself."_

_"So what's my mind like, Ensign?"_

_"Well, Captain … I doubt you want to know. I've been trying to keep out of it.."_

_"I appreciate that." _

Chakotay's mind is tangled too, but there is nothing technological about it. Chakotay's mind is a jungle, dark and humid with periods of depression, thorny with self-blame and rage about what he sees as the apathy of Starfleet. But there is beauty too, a wild beauty of scarlet flowers and poisonous, jewel-like creatures. She feels it when they make love, and it's what keeps her coming back.

The first time, he actually pinned her to the wall of his ready-room. _"There are some rules I should have broken when I had the chance,"_ he said, his breath hot against her ear. _"If you want this - "_

For her twenty-three-year-old self, there was no question. If she had known how much she would be losing – throwing away – for his sake, would she still have fallen for him?

Possibly.

She loves him for his calm command of himself and others, even when he's shattered inside; his groundedness in the traditions of his people, which she envies; his flashes of kindness and humor at the most unexpected moments; even, somehow, his endless love and loyalty for a crew that died fifteen years ago. Through his mind, she knows them as well as her own family: the fierce and vulnerable B'Elanna, his little sister; Tom the pilot, with his cocky smile; the singing EMH Mark One arguing for equal rights; Tuvok and Neelix, the comic duo; the beautiful Borg drone trying to rediscover humanity – and of course Captain Janeway, who lives inside Chakotay's heart every bit as vividly as fifteen years ago. His best friend, with a spirit as bright as her auburn hair, reckless and wise, loving and detached, ready to lay down her life for _Voyager_ if she must – and she did.

For thirteen years, Tessa has brought Chakotay chamomile tea for his nightmares, persuaded him (_"badgered"_ is his word) into various counselors' offices, and held him close at night with all the solid, reliable warmth she could give, but that was not enough and never would be.

When he and Harry resigned from Sarfleet, she gave up the Chief Engineer's position on the _Challenger_ to follow him. She helped them steal the Borg transceiver and the _Delta Flyer._ This she can do; it is the only thing to do.

Right here, right now, ice crystals crunching under the boots of their environmental suits, the air stinging her throat, Chakotay's gloved hands on her shoulders: this is the moment she decides.

"Ridiculous, isn't it?" he asks her softly. "After all these years working toward this moment, and when it finally comes … all I can think about is losing you."

Bless him, he really should know better than to say that; but the gallantry of the white lie almost brings tears to her eyes. He _is _thinking about losing her, and he is truly sorry; it's reflected in the hollows of his dark eyes as much as his mind. He will miss her black eyes, her engineering expertise, her silent acceptance, even or especially her sharp edges. But he also cannot stop remembering Janeway's voice, her smoky, commanding alto roughened by static: _"should our luck run out"_ and _"acted with distinction"_ the only clear phrases. He is intensely aware of her remains; he wishes he could give her a decent funeral, as well as the rest of the crew, but there is simply no time. He remembers his last night with Janeway, the candlelight, the way she touched his cheek. Those rules he should have broken while he had the chance, and – who knows – might get to break after all.

Thirteen years ago, she would have been furious and hurt. Today, she is content to occupy what thoughts of his she does. Love is not like benamite crystals, she has learned; it never runs out. The fact that Chakotay has loved another woman does not negate his true feelings for her.

If Tessa were to call off the mission now, he would regret it for the rest of his life. He would grow to resent her, silently, implacably. Nothing could be worse for her than that.

"Your heart has always been here, on _Voyager_. That'll never change. This is where you belong. And who knows? Maybe we'll meet someday."

"And if we don't?" he asks.

"Then I'll miss you just the same."

Somewhere, somewhen, there might be a Chakotay who loves his Tessa as much as she loves him. Perhaps, after all, that universe is where she will wake up when everything ends. Or perhaps it will be a world where she never meets him (a curious thought, but true) - a world where she is free.

It's what he needs to hear, and he smiles briefly before letting go.

Fifteen minutes later, in the cockpit of the Delta Flyer, he will offer to beam her back to the _Challenger_ and she will refuse: "Why let you have all the fun?"

Five minutes later, as the computer counts down to the explosion of the warp core and Harry's final, triumphant "YES!" echoes through the collapsing ship, Chakotay and Tessa will die hand in hand.

She understands as only a telepath can, one with the wisdom to recognize the things she cannot change, and to take joy in what she has. _RaBeem_ is the Betazoid word.

_You see, Mother? We have something in common after all._


End file.
